Destructive PatternsIn the lives of married couples
When couples face problems in their relationships, they often attempt to solve these issues through indirect means rather than taking a logical approach. Unfortunately, these indirect and emotional solutions may not only fail to improve the relationship but could even create deeper rifts. It is crucial to recognize that repairing and rebuilding a relationship requires high intelligence and effort from both partners.
Following this topic, the Family Plus sectionis necessaryto share some harmful behavioral patterns that significantly impact life. By avoiding them and choosing the right path, you can build a healthy relationship.
The following are destructive communication patterns that create the greatest psychological pressures in marital relationships:
Withdrawal and Submissiveness
Sometimes, couples limit their communication over time, using very short phrases like “Do you need anything?” and “How are you?” Withdrawn and submissive individuals often yield to others, quickly sulk, and struggle to express their feelings. This type of relationship is better defined as cutting off contact, as it is far removed from mutual understanding and expressing needs.
Controlling Pattern
In this destructive pattern, individuals talk excessively, interrogating their partner, yet they frequently interrupt and lead the conversation astray.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
When one partner views all life events as either black or white, with no middle ground, if things aren’t perfect in a situation, they see it as wrong and inevitably leading to failure. Such a mindset likely results in challenges when it comes to feeling satisfaction and joy.
Critical or Defensive
In this type, neither partner can accept their mistakes, denying all criticism and showing no flexibility in their stubborn beliefs. This leads to tension and an inability to establish healthy communication, leaving couples in constantConflictand disputes.
Exaggeration of Events
When one partner perceives all surrounding events as large and negative, it diminishes the importance of positive aspects in their view.
Overgeneralizing or Assigning Blame
If you tend to frown and furrow your brows when upset or disappointed, don’t project this same behavior onto others. For example, when you see someone frowning, don’t assume they have a problem; they might simply feel that way.
Therefore, do not make the mistake of thinking everyone interprets your behaviors the same way.
Comparison
A significant factor that severely damages a relationship is frequently highlighting another’s qualities and comparing one’s spouse with them. It can be considered one of the most harmful behaviors examined in many articles.
Two dimensions can be perceived for comparison: one comparing a spouse to another individual and the other comparing oneself with others. In both scenarios, due to the inefficacy of this behavior, a positive outcome will not be seen, as the best approach for creating a healthy relationship is to accept one’s spouse unconditionally.
Denying Responsibility for Actions and Thoughts
The second reason couples may drift away from peaceful coexistence is the unwillingness to accept responsibility for their behaviors. This might manifest through statements like “You are the reason for my behavior” or “You made me act this way.” Sometimes, both partners resort to physical or verbal confrontations, claiming, “I hate being aggressive, but you make me behave that way.” Realistically, in a shared life, it is vital to take responsibility for one’s actions, admit when inappropriate behavior occurs, and avoid justifying it wrongly.
If a married couple does not learn constructive and effective communication methods, they cannot take steps to improve their lives. Their management of life will go astray, leading to improper behaviors, and each will attribute blame to the other, resulting in a breakdown of peaceful and friendly relations and contributing to tensions and instability in their marriage.
Hasty Judgments
For us to validate any action, we need reliable evidence. If we interpret and assess events without having credible proof, especially negatively, we are effectively undermining the relationship.
Two common styles among individuals with these traits are:
Mind Reading:This entails thinking someone will treat you poorly or react negatively without any basis for such thoughts.
Predicting:This means expecting everything to unfold in the worst possible way.
Miles David expresses a lasting belief: “If you understand everything I’m saying, then you must be me.”
Demanding Tone
Sometimes, couples express their wants and needs using an abnormal tone. Although there’s no intent to dominate, they communicate their requests in a commanding manner. Since the other feels demeaned, they may ignore their partner’s requests, showing indifference. This can lead to resistance, sparking disputes. Even when a partner’s request is reasonable, if expressed in a commanding tone, it may come across as excessive. When discussing relationships, it’s important to remember we are referring to a “human,” not a computer or any other tool.
Inherent in all human beings is a need for power. In a human relationship, we must recognize that just as we desire power, so does the other person. If we express our needs in a commanding and directive manner, it undermines their sense of power and hinders peaceful communication.
Labeling
This is one of the most wrongful thought processes a person can have in life. When something unfortunate happens, instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” one might chastise themselves with, “I am a real loser.” Viewing life’s challenges in an all-or-nothing manner means you become someone who accepts failure, with no progress in sight.
Ethical Judgment
When couples critique each other’s actions and say things like, “That behavior is bad” or “Your thoughts are inappropriate,” they may forget that what seems unappealing to them might be wonderfully acceptable to the other. Couples should not measure each other’s preferences with their own standards, judging one another based on personal likes.
Ethical judgment means one sets their standards for a correct behavior, expecting others to conform to their ideals.
Two powerful tools can prevent you from engaging in destructive styles: listening and expressing feelings clearly:
1- Listening:
When we are deeply involved in our emotions and thoughts, it becomes challenging to listen to what the other person is saying. Whenever you sit down to talk with your spouse, allow them to express their entire thoughts before you respond. Afterward, reflect on what you’ve understood from their words and let them confirm or correct your understanding. Only when you feel confident that you have grasped their message should you start speaking.
2- Clearly Expressing Feelings:
Use “I” statements to express your feelings directly without blaming your partner. For instance, say “I feel upset” instead of “You make me angry,” to evoke a more empathetic and reconciliatory response from your spouse.
Every dialogue should aim for a win-win outcome, where both parties benefit. Negotiation is a common tool where individuals may let go of their share to preserve their relationship. Understand that this sacrifice is made for a good and beneficial goal, and in return, you will gain something valuable.
