Behaviors that unintentionally cause others to distance themselves from you
Sometimes, painful life experiences cause you to become overly cautious around others, leading you to unintentionally push people away. This behavior can become subconscious over time.
When others reject you or leave, it creates a negative feeling inside, making you change and expect the same from future relationships. As a result, most people push others away. But why does this happen to you?
What does being pushed away mean?
When people consider you as distant, it doesn’t mean they want to physically stay away or create space. We all push others away due to our own behaviors.
Unconsciously, we show them that we don’t want closeness, we become defensive, or behave hurtfully, resulting in the same outcome described in this lifestyle section.SelMagzAs I mentioned, consciously or unconsciously, we ruin our relationships and cause others to drift away. This is a defense mechanism used to protect ourselves in different ways; perhaps outwardly, you don’t want others to distance themselves from you.
Why do I push others away?
When you think about the reasons and defense mechanisms behind pushing others away, you might consider the following:
1. Desire for independence
As you grow older, you may prefer to stand on your own. You want to be independent. There’s nothing wrong with that.
However, the downside is that you may show the opposite of what you intend—to appear independent. As you age, you learn your true interests and how to behave accordingly.
This false sense of independence during adolescence, which leads to pushing others away, often stems from feelings of insecurity.
2. Insecurity
If you think that everyone will eventually leave you, you tend to ruin relationships intentionally and speed up the process. If others plan to leave you, it’s better for them to do so quickly.
When someone leaves your life, tell yourself, “I knew they weren’t truly meant for me. I will find the right person someday.” But if you have the wrong mindset that you’re always abandoned, you might behave in ways that make others want to distance themselves from you, and you may project this belief onto them.
3. Fear of intimacy
If you’re afraid of getting close, you’ll create barriers that prevent others from approaching you. As a result, you don’t want others to get closer than what you’ve allowed.
This defensive attitude, combined with internal fears, can cause harm and betrayal from others. Fear of intimacy makes you think you’re not good enough for others, especially if you’ve been hurt trusting someone in the past.
4. Past trauma
Maybe you’ve experienced difficult moments in the past that caused people to leave you. Often, these happen when you felt comfortable and at peace. As a result, this negative feeling from past hardships stays with you.
5. Low self-esteem
You might have low self-esteem, feel negative about yourself, and constantly look for faults that could ruin relationships. This tendency can push others away.Self-confidenceOften, you don’t believe you are enough to connect deeply with others, which prevents intimacy and close bonds from forming.
6. Mental health issues
If you’re depressed, anxious, or facing any mental health problem, you lack the energy for relationships. As a result, you push people away easily, ignore their efforts, and don’t show response.
If you’re struggling with mental health issues, even your closest friends might feel you’re not interested in being around them. You might send signals that you don’t want companionship.
Ways to cope with these conditions
Identifying the root causes of your defense mechanisms makes it easier to manage them. Which of the following traits do you notice most in yourself? Stop each one using the suggested methods.
1. Avoiding social gatherings
The fewer social interactions you have, the less fear you feel of rejection or being ignored, criticized, or abandoned. If you dislike social settings, avoid meeting new people, or stay away from others as much as possible, you might have a problem.
To improve, gradually increase your participation in social gatherings, join group classes, start new group projects, and always seek out the best people for your circle.
Never think that others are ignoring you. Feel confident that they enjoy interacting with you, and engage actively in group conversations.
2. Neglecting self-care
If you think others don’t like you, why not try to improve yourself? Pay more attention to your appearance, and your feelings about yourself might change. If you feel others only see your flaws, you need to do something about it.
Take time for self-care routines, invest energy and time into yourself, even if no one notices your good qualities. Stick to your daily routines and focus on boosting your self-esteem. Over time, others will notice too.
3. Acting like a robot
Sometimes, you feel that the safest way is to suppress all emotions and act like a robot. Robots don’t think about themselves. They show no emotional signs because they don’t risk getting hurt.
You might have a habit of ignoring emotional reactions at times. Robots don’t feel pain, but they miss out on love and meaningful connections.
Changing this behavior is challenging because this defense mechanism has been ingrained for a long time. The best approach is to reconnect with yourself, behave kindly toward those around you, and understand your inner feelings.
4. Withdrawing into yourself
When you withdraw into yourself, it means you’re unreachable, and you’re constantly battling internally. You keep criticizing yourself, making you more vulnerable to others.
To cope, try to connect with someone you find valuable. Recognize their qualities, show appreciation and respect. Step out of your loneliness, and allow others to be near you.
5. Hiding
When you hide yourself from others’ view, you gradually get pushed away. You suppress interactions, cancel plans, and behave as if you’re an unresponsive radio—talking only through text. Others then assume you don’t like being around them. You might not feel this way consciously, but your fear and insecurity create distance.
To improve, become aware of your actions.
Have you not contacted friends or shown them attention for a long time? Try to change this behavior, give your friends and surroundings a chance again, and remove your fear.
6.ObsessionsOverthinking
All your obsessive thoughts limit you, drain your interests, and prevent you from listening to others or sharing moments. You choose loneliness. These obsessive thoughts and inner wounds make relationships one-sided, waste your energy and time, and prevent deep connections.
To cope, remember that relationships are essential in life. Nurture them instead of waiting for others to make a move. Leave obsessive thoughts behind, forget self-blame, and pay more attention to those around you.
7. Bad and negative behaviors
Have you ever acted aggressively or angrily? Do others see you as selfish, defensive, or needy? It’s likely your subconscious is damaging your relationships through negative behaviors.
When these behaviors cause others to stay away and you regret it afterward, know that you’re caught in a mental obsession. To fix this, revisit your self-esteem issues as explained in SelMagz and resolve them at their root.
Understand why your inner pain damages others. Therapy and treatment are the safest and most effective ways to heal your inner wounds and become a balanced person.
If others push us away, what should we do?
If many people are distancing themselves from you, here are some strategies to help strengthen and maintain your relationships:
- Tell them what you like and appreciate about them. Boost their confidence.
- Remind them that you have no intention to leave or end the relationship.
- Help them with difficult tasks or big projects.
- Suggest collaboration or working together.
- Be a friend who understands mutual needs and strives for good communication and discussions.
- Reach out via messages or calls.
- Don’t blame them for past mistakes or wrong choices.
- Always listen sincerely and openly to what they say.
