The Best Time and Way to Criticize Your Spouse
One of the most important skills every married person should know is how to criticize their spouse correctly. In all marriages and in every human society, situations arise where both men and women may not be satisfied with their partner’s actions and end up criticizing each other.
But how should we criticize our spouse so that it has the necessary impact and doesn’t harm the emotional balance of our marriage? In this section of Family PlusSelMagzYou’ll become familiar with the correct principles of criticizing your spouse in a marriage.
How can we criticize our spouse effectively?
Criticism at the Right Time and Place
If you want to criticize your spouse, speak to them at the right time and place. For example, if your spouse is angry for any reason, you should avoid criticism until they have calmed down. Additionally, do not criticize your spouse in front of others, as it is not only ineffective but can also lead to hurt feelings andangerfrom them.
Pointing Out Each Other’s Flaws
A person who points out their spouse’s flaws is often very appreciated because doing so can express sincere intentions. On the other hand, someone who refrains from acknowledging their spouse’s shortcomings unknowingly steps into a path of animosity.
Choosing the Right Words
When criticizing, use words that do not convey aggression. Your criticism should focus on your spouse’s behavior and not question their character. For example, if your spouse is not organized, don’t say, “You are so messy.” Instead, say, “Please, when you come home, don’t leave your clothes on the bed or sofa; hang them in the closet or put them in the washing machine.”
Many couples do not fully understand the precise use of the words “always” and “never.” These words are a significant barrier to healthy communication between couples. Avoid generalizing a wrong behavior to their entire personality, as this can cause serious harm to family health.
Avoid Blaming Each Other
Some individuals try to blame each other, while no one is perfect and no one likes to be blamed. When your spouse blames you, if this behavior continues, you may gradually withdraw into defensiveness and lose the ability to communicate healthily. Threats and insults can severely harm the couple’s relationship, and even expressing them as jokes can lead to angry reactions.
Being Honest
One important principle of criticism is honesty and straightforwardness. If both partners are assured of each other’s love and commitment to the marriage, they will strive to maintain and strengthen their life together. Thus, they will be open to criticism in all aspects, including behavioral, ethical, sexual, and more. This type of criticism primarily means striving for better understanding and satisfaction. However, couples should not have any other intention behind their criticism apart from improving their quality of life and marital relationships.
Clear Criticism, Not Ambiguous
Avoid vague and general criticisms as much as possible. Phrases like “I feel our relationship is dull,” “I am dissatisfied,” or “I am really hurt” are very ambiguous and your spouse might not understand your true meaning. Such criticisms are entirely inappropriate; therefore, issues should be articulated in a detailed and specific manner to allow the individual to grasp the main issue and make efforts to change it. Instead of saying, “I am upset and hurt,” say, “I feel upset because you ignore my efforts and don’t thank me.”
Do Not Repeat Criticism
If criticism is repeated, it can damage your and your spouse’s relationship, as you may come across as someone who is always picking apart your spouse’s flaws. Consequently, your spouse will get a negative impression from your intentions due to the frequent criticism.
Avoid Being Aggressive
Being assertive is different from being aggressive. Some people think that speaking loudly ensures they are being heard. This may indicate a defect in the marriage. Couples sometimes give each other moral advice during discussions. In such cases, either partner may feel that they are being ordered around, leading to defensiveness. Therefore, aggressive communication is of no benefit. It should be noted that marriage is more about having an emotional and affectionate relationship than a legal one; thus, giving legal-like reprimands is vastly incorrect.Not ComparingTo criticize effectively, you must avoid making comparisons. If your spouse speaks loudly and jokingly in a group, which you think is inappropriate, and you want to criticize them, never say, “Act like so-and-so in public.” This way of expressing your criticism will undermine its effectiveness. However, if comparing brings about positive feelings in the individual, it can be used for constructive criticism.
Enhancing Capacity and Self-Awareness
To foster healthy communication, you must increase your capacity to hear “no.” Assertive disagreement and saying no is an individual’s right in any community and marital life. However, saying no and opposing your spouse is often challenging since they may equate disagreement with aggression. It is possible to express your disagreement without being aggressive. Unfortunately, not only is it difficult for many couples to disagree, but listening to an opposing viewpoint is challenging for them as well, often creating emotional and psychological voids. Saying no is a way for each individual to respect their own ethical boundaries.
The Right Way to Criticize Your Spouse
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Before criticizing, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Even tell them that when you consider their perspective, you understand their way of thinking. At this time, mutual understanding will improve.
- When criticizing, instead of questioning each other’s character and behavior, first express your own needs and desires.
- It’s better to write down your criticisms on paper and analyze your spouse’s actions towards you while thinking about solutions.
- When you intend to criticize your spouse, clearly state that your goal in expressing these thoughts is solely to resolve issues and reach better understanding, and that you do not intend to hurt them.
- Incorrect Ways to Criticize Your Spouse
- You speak to your spouse as if you are quoting them in front of others.
You present your criticism with a tone full of harshness, hostility, and stubbornness.
- You compare your spouse with another individual and highlight their positive behaviors.
- You express your dissatisfaction with your spouse to others.
- You show stubbornness and rigidity while criticizing your spouse.
- You belittle and mock your spouse during criticism.
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